Thursday, August 13, 2009

Why you SHOULDN'T love Wilson

Eric Clemons

Pendleton Rock Camp... for some it means improving their musical talent, for others it means starting a band and playing a show. But for all, it means Wilson is coming to town. Being my first year in Pendleton I have not fallen under the charm of Wilson. Now I’ve come to see that Wilson could be the sweetest man to ever enter Umatilla county, but could is the keyword. I’ve acquired some theories that, if proven, could show that Wilson will be the mastermind behind world war 3.Now you might ask “awwwww Wilson’s a sweetheart he could never do anything to anyone, he’s the most beloved guy in Pendleton right now.” A man loved by everyone! How could he be evil? Well how about a country's most loved man at one point, Mr. Adolf Hitler. I have found a direct link between Wilson and the North American Nazi Association (as shown in the picture below.)

You may not believe in Wilson’s affiliation with the Nazi party. I can respect that, I’ll just call you ignorant. But even if I was wrong, answer me this, have you ever seen Wilson without a beard? Why does a man need a beard in August? Could he be hiding something under that beard? In 1926 author H.P. Lovecraft wrote a short story detailing the myth of the dark lord Cthulhu (pronounced Ke-Thoo-Lu.) Now Cthulhu’s mouth is a vast amount of tentacles. Once again I must ask, have you ever seen Wilson without his beard? Could Wilson be…..

So maybe my last two theories could be seen as false. But I what about the obvious? The only counselor that looks like Jesus, Only counselor with a beard (after he attacked Casey Jarman and shaved him clean in vengeance after Casey wrote a poor review about Wilson’s Kid Rock cover band) and the fact you’ve never seen him angry. Now how does the happiest man in Pendleton unleash his anger? Simple, by beating Cambodian children.
By this point the only ones reading this and still not believing in Wilson’s evil are just in denial, So I took this opportunity to go straight to the source of a great evil…Wilson

We sat down with Wilson and asked him about his past.

RTJ: So Wilson, we just wanted to assess the rumors about your past

W: For sure like what?
Anything you want to start with?

I shot the Duke of Austria and started World War 1

I was under the impression that you also started WW3?

Yea, i'm a time traveler, and one of you will lead a machine uprising I will crush.

So we know you're a member of the North American Nazi Association?

Well, no I invented it, I started it more as a tennis club, but the hate naturally rolled on in, Kind of an afterthought.

Are you familiar with Cthulhu?

Very, yes, may I ask Why?

Well no one has ever seen you without your beard.

What are you trying to say?

Are you the Great Dark Lord Cthulhu?

If i told you, I'd have to disembowel you...Well I was gonna do that anyway when I rose from the Sea and enslaved the Human Race, soooo...*wink*wink*

So we heard about your attack on Casey Jarman's beard after he gave your Kid Rock cover band a poor review in the Willamete Week.

He got what he had coming.

Anything else Wilson?

Well I set up Saddam Hussein as a puppet Dictator, I won him in a game of poker at his palace, Not a very good gambler. What else... Oh I used to hang around with Pol Pot in Cambodia, great tennis player but the Khmer Rouge thing wasn't my scene.

Wilson, you're horrible.
Interview ended with Wilson making this smirk at his life of destruction and chaos.

So now you know of Wilson not being the lovely Point Juncture guitarists, but the evil dark lord Cthulhu. But now Pendleton Camp Rock is without it's "Lovely man." I have taken this opportunity to fill this position with Victor Nash from Point Juncture, WA as the new Camp Rock nice guy. So end your relationships and connections to Wilson and know him as he is...Pure evil.

But in all seriousness, get out to see Point Juncture, WA any chance you get, just don't talk to Wilson. Beyond the beard is a frown.

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